Gremlins of Shame

The day I forgot to show up for a meeting, where I was the speaker, was not my best day. But it turned out to be a great thing. This particular meeting had been on my calendar for a solid year. It was not a new event, one that might slip up on me unaware.

This was one of my favorite speaking gigs of the year, and this was probably my fifth time speaking at this annual event. The day of, I was not unduly stressed; no one was bleeding profusely and needed my attention while we waited for the rescue squad. In point of fact, when I took stock of the day, it felt so unusually NOT action-packed, I decided to paint my brick fireplace at 5 am. Just for fun.

So when the text arrived, “Are you ok? Are you coming?” I was….startled.

Oh my gosh, this is my worst nightmare. I HATE making mistakes, especially ones that impact others. I knew instantly what had happened, as the actual date rose to the top of my brain. My speaking gig. Oh my goodness.

What to do?

I wished I could turn off the phone and rewind time, but my time travel machine was on the fritz. I longed for a good excuse. Anyone in eminent danger that I can pin this on? Nope. Who paints a perfectly good fireplace at 5 am? What’s wrong with me?

These are the gremlins of shame. They are the voices of judgment, rejection and remorse. Notice the reflex that was missing: my first thoughts where not…I made a mistake; it was harming; I need to make an amends.”

However, in recovery, we do not have to rely on our instincts and reflexes - reflect on where those get us!! We have steps. We have procedures. We have principles to follow.

These steps, procedures and principles over-rode my baby survival instincts (as in, “never admit you are wrong” survival instinct) and I knew what to do. TEXT REPLY: “Oh gosh, I forgot. What can I do to make this right?”

TEXT RESPONSE: “It’s all good, we gotcha covered!” Acceptance. Rescue. Harm mitigated.

Now, there is more work to be done here. I will follow up. I will make a more formal amends. But hopefully, I will not make it worse by being a numbnut and trying to pretend I did not make a mistake.