Harm Comes in Many Forms

I cheated three of my children out of having a real father with them when they were young and I will always be sorry for that. I let them down when they were teenagers because of the example I set. I have little doubt that, in the care of Jeff and Laura, their own drug abuse was a twisted way for them to reach out and connect with me, get my attention, win my love and approval through emulation. It took a decade to turn my example around for them, but it has been, finally, well worth the struggle.

John Phillips, Papa John

What hard things might you need to address?

It’s easy to get disheartened about doing hard things but John Phillips reminds us that sometimes, finally, it will be well worth the struggle.

Reflect quietly on your life; see what you may need to address.

This is Suffering

Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself. At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has a momentary respite from his suffering. There is no similar relief for parents or children or husbands or wives or others who love them.

David Sheff, Beautiful Boy

How has your suffering exacerbated your mistakes?

What has it taught you and how might it have refined you?

If one shortcoming is fear - everyone who loves a person with a substance use disorder is plagued by it.

How does fear sometimes cause us to harm ourselves and/or others?

This is suffering. There is no need for judgment but plenty of opportunity to take a different path. Who can help you take a different path if you are suffering and find yourself living in ways that do not fit your intentions? As Mr. Rogers says, “Look for the helpers.” This saying was meant for preschoolers, and lately it has been used to bear more weight than I think Mr. Rogers could have imagined. But if we refuse to allow it to be a cliche, it still has value. We can look for someone to help us sort through our lives. That’s always a good thing.

Who Am I?

Suppose, for whatever reason, you are an excellent shoplifter. You practice often. Does that make you a thief?

This behavior has become your identity. Much like my friend the dentist, when asked who she is, will say, “I am a dentist.”, we usually think of our identity as being paired with our behaviors. My dentist friend is also a mom, daughter, master gardener and person in long term recovery.

Identities change. Identity is more than one thing. We can get a fake ID or even go into the witness protection program as a way to change our identity but these are low percentage options for transformation.

Change, transformation, usually happens slowly and unevenly over a long period of time.

One way to change is to participate in our own renovation and restoration. We are cooperating with God as he works to remove our shortcomings (selfishness, self-centeredness, fear, dishonesty) when we become willing to admit the awesome power of this one true thing: you can steal without becoming a thief.

You only become a thief if you never decide to stop stealing, refuse to admit that you have stolen in the past and refuse to make right your wrongs.

What identity are you ready to let go of? Who do you intend to become? What behaviors does he/she practice to live out that intention?

Problem Patterns

Here are some common patterns that all of us deal with to a certain extent. The challenge for each of us is to figure out which problems are the biggest issues for us. Conflict arises when we are not great at developing connection and intimacy (not sex, vulnerability) in relationships and/or we struggle to effectively handle conflict.

Do any of these issues pose challenges for you?

• Do you have a tendency to blame others?

• Do people ever accuse you of avoiding responsibility?

• Do you minimize your own wrongdoing? Make excuses? *

• Do you justify your misdeeds?

• Do you flood your thoughts with the distraction of self-pity or victimhood?

It is oh so true that others bear blame, share responsibility; we do get back breaks and/or are victimized. All of us have trouble being objective about our own motivations and mistakes. Everyone does this. Everyone.

These are not good long term strategies for an abundant life.

We can resist the urge to avoid feeling sad. We can find ways to make BOTH things true - we do wrong and so do others. AND we can find a way to deal with our part without using other people’s parts as an excuse to avoid our own.

How Come I Don’t Get Invited to Christmas Brunch?

I was no longer invited on family vacations, and my parents didn’t try to come up with plausible reasons why: We just don’t want to be with you, they would tell me. And I didn’t even care. (Indeed, this past year, I was surprised to be told about a trip to Alaska my parents and siblings had taken while I was still using.) Whenever anyone in my family went out of town, they had to check in at least once a day in case I died. This wasn’t maudlin, just the reality I had imposed on my family’s lives.

Seth Mnookin, “Harvard and Heroin”

I know not all of us end up at Harvard addicted to heroin. But we all have our...things. And those “things”, those dependencies make it hard for us to be fully present in the lives of those we love. This causes problems. Problems cause disconnects. Disconnects create conflict and confusion and isolation.

Forget about a list of people you have harmed. Instead, try making a list of “uncomfortable” relationships that are not quite right. Get curious. What’s up? This is the list that has one common denominator. You. This in no way means you are ‘THE PROBLEM’ but it does mean that some common issues may run through your list.

Tomorrow, we’ll get a bit more pragmatic. Ditch the idea that the only bad problems are associated with Harvard of heroin and consider less dramatic but still difficult problems.