Disclosure
We are disclosing animals, wired for unburdening. It’s what we do as a species.
-David Rakoff, Half Empty
One of the unfortunate side-effects of poor listening involves harming ways. People in recovery are taught to understand this - but I’m not sure the rest of the world has received this gift of humble learning. If you’ve practiced these steps, you have the experience of arriving at Step Nine, where we actually make the amends we have been preparing for. Others of us are not walking these steps with quite the same precision as others - but we can still glean wisdom from the process! In Step 9: We make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. We screw up our courage and face our fears. We ask permission to make amends to people we have harmed, set an appointment up with the willing and DIRECTLY acknowledge our wrongdoing and then ask to make it right. Although this step in no way obligates another to forgive us, forgiveness is certainly a desirable outcome.
Our initial inclinations to run after those we have harmed and apologize may have morphed into a low grade dread. We are learning that the days of “I am sorry” are behind us. We are figuring out how to make amends and then actually taking the actionable step of doing so.
I have struggled with two primary issues when making amends:
1. I find it difficult to make an amends to someone who has also harmed me
2. My fear of rejection, my pride, my loose relationship with honesty, my selfishness and self-seeking - all holler at me to deny, deny, deny rather than admit.
When I was a kid my dad always told us to NEVER, EVER admit wrongdoing. He said that it was a sign of weakness and even in the face of proof of wrongdoing, if you claim your innocence loud enough, most people will back off. Unfortunately, he was right. It is similar advice a pastor gave me once, “Teresa, part of leadership is repeating what you want people to do over and over until they think it is their idea and they go along with it.” Unfortunately, in some toxic environments, this works.
Take a minute and consider what you have been taught about amends, apologies, and forgiveness. Do you think you have been given access - and practice time - to learn how to apply biblical principles in concrete, tangible and executable ways? I was not. But that is no excuse. I need to learn. How about you?
