Validation Prevents Relational Roadblocks

Many conversations break down because of the failure to validate. I like to jokingly refer to this as “failure to launch” because a failure to validate tends to prevent a conversation from even getting started. If we don’t get started, then we have very little hope of going deeper. Let’s use a made up example of how a conversation could go downhill very quickly between me and Brittany.

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

We don’t need to go any further. We know how Brittany will react from here: she’ll be defensive and, likely as not, we will start quibbling about something that is not super significant (like trash fines). If things go really bad, we’ll start saying things like, “You never do what you say you’re going to do,” Or, “I do more things than you do,” or whatever...there’s a million ways things can go wrong from here.

Imagine if I had said, “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” (This is what validation looks like). It would be a totally different conversation, right?

With her first statement, Brittany is trying to apologize and take ownership for forgetting to take out the trash- it’s just not happening at the most explicit level. So, to respond by expressing disappointment is to reject her desire to take responsibility for her part in the mishap (and yes, it’s a very insignificant mishap).

When this happens, the conversation never gets off the ground. It fails to launch.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB