Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

You Have to Validate to Cooperate

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:   How do we draw accurate conclusions about what has taken place during a fight?

If both parties are at least a bit wrong in every confrontation, then that means the truth of the situation does not exist on the side of either person but, instead, somewhere in the middle.  

In order to draw accurate conclusions about a fight both parties must be committed to an ongoing dialogue and both parties must remain legitimately open to what the other party has to say.  The only way to find truth is to cooperatively navigate through the filth of what transpired.  

If one side or the other is not committed to the process, both will be abandoned to guesswork and confusion.  Neither of these serves a relationship well.  

Looking back from the future:

One thing I would say with some additional time and perspective is that it just isn’t that important to get at the exact facts of an argument. It is critical that each person’s concern is heard, that each person’s feelings are validated, and that there is a spirit of cooperation in seeking a solution.

Remember, validation is not about agreement- it’s acknowledging what’s there without judgment. I don’t always agree with Brittany’s reasons for being upset with me- but it’s absolutely crucial that I get to a place where I can say, “I hear you’re upset, and it’s okay to be upset.” It’s only once both people have been heard that you can really cooperate on a solution.

Going Deeper (In Your Conversations)

Sometimes conversations “fail” (too strong of a word, but you’ll see what I mean in a second) not because something bad has happened but because they are unsatisfying. We’re not getting to the places we want to with our friends, loved ones, spouses, etc. Why do we struggle to deepen conversations?

I don’t know that there’s a clear answer to that question. One of the things I notice, though, is that sometimes we try too hard. Sometimes we think a better, more interesting topic is going to be the thing that deepens a conversation. Sometimes we think it’s being relatable by sharing similar stories about ourselves in response to stories our conversation partner is telling us.

These are certainly not “wrong” by any means. But sometimes a simpler approach helps a conversation explore new depths. Asking “open-ended” questions can be just the thing we need.

What is an open-ended question? It’s a question that does not have a “yes” or “no” (or otherwise one word) answer. A few examples:

“How are you feeling about that?”

“What do you think you’re going to do next?”

“How do you manage your anxiety?”

These are all examples of questions that serve as a “launching point” for the other person to share more about what is going on with themselves. If people are being offered the opportunity to share more, then the conversation has a chance to deepen.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Failure to Launch

Yesterday we looked at an example of how an invalidating response to a conversation starter can prevent the conversation from deepening. It went like this:

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen

Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

A validating response would look something like this: “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” When you respond with validation, the conversation can go where it needs to go. It doesn’t get trapped in a cycle of defensiveness.

So, let’s say Brittany was really struggling with being home alone too much, she can then say, “It is really all consuming and it’s really wearing me out. Would it be possible to put Norah in preschool one extra day per week so that my margins aren’t so thin?”

The conversation started with trash and validation allowed it to go deeper: Brittany needs more time for...whatever, it doesn’t matter it’s hypothetical. Let’s say she needs more time to work on her business, or to rest, or to see friends, it really doesn’t matter. She had a need that she needed to express and an invalidating response prevented that from coming out.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Validation Prevents Relational Roadblocks

Many conversations break down because of the failure to validate. I like to jokingly refer to this as “failure to launch” because a failure to validate tends to prevent a conversation from even getting started. If we don’t get started, then we have very little hope of going deeper. Let’s use a made up example of how a conversation could go downhill very quickly between me and Brittany.

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

We don’t need to go any further. We know how Brittany will react from here: she’ll be defensive and, likely as not, we will start quibbling about something that is not super significant (like trash fines). If things go really bad, we’ll start saying things like, “You never do what you say you’re going to do,” Or, “I do more things than you do,” or whatever...there’s a million ways things can go wrong from here.

Imagine if I had said, “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” (This is what validation looks like). It would be a totally different conversation, right?

With her first statement, Brittany is trying to apologize and take ownership for forgetting to take out the trash- it’s just not happening at the most explicit level. So, to respond by expressing disappointment is to reject her desire to take responsibility for her part in the mishap (and yes, it’s a very insignificant mishap).

When this happens, the conversation never gets off the ground. It fails to launch.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB