An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 1)

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown

I love strength training, pruning bushes and an aggressive cross-court backhand (that goes in) at just the right moment in a tough tennis match. These are all activities that feed my attack instincts and release tension. In recent years, I’ve acquired a taste for attacking shame with equal vigor. It requires MORE effort than anything I have ever experienced. I had no idea how to distinguish between guilt and shame. I was completely ill-equipped to require shame to prove its point. Here are a few examples of ways I am learning to fight back:

* How could you do this to me?

Although all sorts of disappointments FEEL personal, most are not. Do the choices of others impact us? Yes, you bet. But assuming folks are DOING STUFF TO US is giving them more credit than they deserve. When our children make choices that are different then our preferences - they are not doing it to us - they are living their lives. Mostly, people are not thinking about us as much as we wish they would - and that’s ok. We are crafting our life story; they are building theirs.

* You are such a disappointment.

I’m just not sure why any of us think this sentence needs to be in our vocabulary. When we are disappointed in someone else, that’s an appropriate conversation to have with our spiritual director or therapist or support group. We need to wrestle with why we have felt free to position ourselves as the judge of another person. Disappointment is best reserved for self-reflection; it can, used sparingly, guide us in our personal work of change and transformation.

To be continued…