The Usefulness of Guilt

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brene Brown

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. Wow. That’s quite a statement.

Shame is a painful feeling caused by a perception of brokenness. In contrast, guilt is the awareness of wrongdoing. We can experience shame without earning it. Shame is that yukky feeling that whispers, “Something is wrong with you!” without doing the hard work of actually inquiring as to the specifics of what is broken. It’s just the WORST, because shame does not offer us hope for change.

Guilt provides us useful information. I did something wrong; I realize it; I can now figure out what I need to do to right the wrong. This is why shame is such a pernicious emotion. If something is WRONG with us, then we’re broken. There’s no fixing it. Yesterday Norah bit the tail off a toy whale eraser. After she picked it out of her teeth, she wanted Meme to “put it back”. Unfortunately, that whale is not going back together no matter how long Norah wails. Shame encourages hiding. But it offers no path to healing. Can you think of examples of when you have felt shame? Are there times when your words have perhaps inflamed the shame in another? Famous shaming phrases to spark your memory:

* How could you do this to me?

* You are such a disappointment.

* Why can’t you be more like ______?

* You have/had so much potential!

* You can do better than this. You are better than this.

* Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?

* You have embarrassed yourself/me/your family.