Finding Your Community Connection
What happens if we show up for community asking for holding and support but the community thinks we are there for other reasons? That’s a problem. Look, there is nothing inherently wrong with showing up to a community and asking for support - especially if you pick the appropriate community. I do not suggest going to an AA meeting and asking folks for help figuring out how to manage drinking. AA doesn’t believe in managed drinking - their gig is abstinence. If you go to AA looking for moderation, don’t be surprised if you do not have that, “AHHHHHHHH….” my tribe vibe.
When Pete and I were newlyweds we started going to church because we didn’t want his mother to cry if we did not show up. It did not take long for us to find a connection point and we LOVED it. We made friends; we found spiritual direction; we found our way home to faith and a community we chose to give our lives over to. What we needed at that time was probably a lot of support and holding, with a side order of service work. We would have been good coffee makers, or name tag writers, or greeters (well, maybe I could have been a greeter). What we ended up with was leadership positions and teaching responsibilities.
This was not great for us or the poor souls that were stuck with us. But we persevered and there were many lessons learned - just probably not from us! We learned about faithfulness and hosting and feeding and lesson planning and all sorts of OTHER things that when I think about, I feel the urge to speed dial my therapist. But on the whole, it was good.
It could have been better. If we could have known what we needed and asked for it, I suspect our spiritual directors would have heard our cries. Instead, we tried to please them. Imagine this. Imagine a community where we choose our color-themed name tag at the door, just so everyone could be on the same page. Red - I am a hot mess, help me! Orange - I am feeling the burn, hitting my stride - what heavy loads can I help lift? Blue - I am introverted and easily overwhelmed. Step back but in a friendly way and eventually I’ll approach you. On and on it could go, a mosaic, a rainbow of clarity.
Responsibility, in this situation, would require me to accurately choose my name tag. Accountability would involve me asking someone whose color I admire to support me as I move from my color to another hue. Core values would be what would drive a community to accept all the colors, some of the colors, or, perhaps on some days, make sure it figures out its name tag color and discloses it.
Our newlywed class told Pete and I that we were called to lead; it sounded like a command. And I have no idea how either of us could have possibly given anyone that impression! Looking back, we would have been less nervous and freaked out if we had been told, “Look, we have lost our class leader and teacher and we are pretty desperate, could you help?” We would have said yes; we would have done something; we may not have done everything they asked us to do; but we would have also not needed Pepto-Bismol before church every Sunday and maybe we wouldn’t still be talking among ourselves about that time in our lives and feeling ashamed of our lack of skills, maturity and knowledge.
