From Conflict to Connection

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Kevin was rattled by the conversation. He was used to the dance he and Michelle usually had when problems arose. This felt different to him. He was anxious. That’s good news, from my perspective. Previously Kevin had not appeared anxious about the issues around his drinking - those feelings were Michelle’s. (This does not mean Kevin wasn’t anxious; he just wasn’t showing it.) Michelle actually felt calmer after getting this “secret” off her chest. He now knew that she knew and that felt like a move in a positive direction. For the first time ever on this subject Kevin initiated the next conversation. He had no notes nor was he using mediation skills. He told her he was angry that she had been gossiping about him with “the girls” and how dare she? He was really pissed at his friends for carrying back his story to their wives. Man, he felt betrayed. There was much Michelle could have said, and the old Michelle might have done so! She could have said, “There wouldn’t have been a story to bring back if you hadn’t acted like an idiot!” OR “I can not believe you even put me in this position, and now you’re mad at ME? Or the guys?” But she didn’t. She remained open. She was curious. “I hear that you are really upset with me and our friends. If I felt like our friends were talking about me, I’d be upset too.” She resisted the temptation to talk. She listened. He vented. She nodded and maintained eye contact and learned. The more he vented, the more he had to say. About work and his boss and their daughter who was “wasting her life on that damn boy”. She made observations and always followed up with, “What’s your perspective?” They made a connection.

* How could you get curious about your situation? Who could broaden your perspective with a different slant?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and _______ as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.