The Pre-Amends Process

I have a friend who owes a ton of money in back child support. The number seems so big that he feels hopeless; in frustration he stopped paying any child support at all. He is eager to make amends to his ex-wife, but his sponsor has cautioned him to slow his roll.

In fact, he strongly encouraged him to address the issue of child support before making the amends. My friend thinks this is crazy talk, but nonetheless, he listened. His salary is meager but he figured out how he could give $5.00 per week to his ex. He owes thousands of dollars, so from my friend’s perspective this seems like spitting into the wind. But he does it.

He made these payments for a solid year and soon, very soon, his sponsor thinks he might just be ready to make an amends.

The amends itself is deceptively easy:

1. I was wrong when_______________________ (be specific) and I know this harmed you.

2. What can I do to make this right?

But we must proceed with caution. Here are the concerns that we also need to address:

We need the follow up question - Did I miss anything? Perhaps we remember 4 harming things we have done. The other person may reply, “Are you nuts? Those four things are no big deal to me, but THIS. THIS thing right here that you did when you ______. THAT DEVASTATED ME.”

Back to listening we go.

We do not always know what harm we have caused or we may be confused about the other’s perspective on harm.

When this happens, we do not get into an argument (a big listening fail), instead, we thank them for the feedback and go back to our support system to help us sort out this new information.

But in all things the rule is this: do not harm.

Amends Making

How do we make a decent amends? The formula is pretty simple; the execution is usually complicated. This is why several steps and lots of conversations are usually required to prepare for the amends itself. We think about our expectations. We learn the difference between making a wrong right and expecting something in return. We distinguish between an amends and a restored relationship. We learn that we can ask for forgiveness, but our responsibility is to right the wrong without expecting it. More factors will also be discussed and worked through. But there will come a day when you are ready to make the amends, and you want to do it in such a way that no additional harm is created.

A decent amends goes something like this:

“Hey, I want to make an amends to you for the harm I caused, if you are willing to meet with me and hear it. Is that ok?”

If the person agrees you reply, “Thanks.” Set up a time and place to meet.

Then you get back to work making sure you are prepared for the meeting. On the meeting day, you come with your expectations in check and your willingness to fix what is broken on full display.

To be continued…

This is Suffering

Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself. At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has a momentary respite from his suffering. There is no similar relief for parents or children or husbands or wives or others who love them.

David Sheff, Beautiful Boy

How has your suffering exacerbated your mistakes?

What has it taught you and how might it have refined you?

If one shortcoming is fear - everyone who loves a person with a substance use disorder is plagued by it.

How does fear sometimes cause us to harm ourselves and/or others?

This is suffering. There is no need for judgment but plenty of opportunity to take a different path. Who can help you take a different path if you are suffering and find yourself living in ways that do not fit your intentions? As Mr. Rogers says, “Look for the helpers.” This saying was meant for preschoolers, and lately it has been used to bear more weight than I think Mr. Rogers could have imagined. But if we refuse to allow it to be a cliche, it still has value. We can look for someone to help us sort through our lives. That’s always a good thing.

The Issue with Comparisons

Years ago Pete and I were at a party and someone asked the crowd, “What is the most embarrassing thing you ever did?” And off to the races we all went, whipping out our most embarrassing moments in a crazy competition for most gut-wrenching moment of self-abasement.

Until this. (And it really helps if you watched the classic movie The Goonies to imagine this story in the voice of Chunk. If not, too bad for you cause it would be a lot funnier if you could!)

“One time in college, me and my friends went out to eat and that was a big deal because we were all really poor…..And we noticed that these people left their table with French friends and stuff still on their plate and we were really hungry so…..we went over and started eating what they left...(big pause)...But then they came back cause they were only going to the bathroom.”

Game over. This most embarrassing story has just won all the honors.

We cringed. We fell silent. Then we laughed and laughed and laughed.

What we really did was compare. And once we found the person with a story worse than any story of our own - that we would be willing to tell - whew! Sweet relief!

If you think you have harmed someone but hear a little voice in your head say, “But I didn’t intend to...and what about what so-and-so did? They are much worse than me...” that’s normal but it’s also time to get some support and accountability to help you sort through your harming ways.

I Wish...

“I wish you knew me before I was like this.”

Gil Scott-Heron, quoted in the New Yorker, August 9, 2010.

I wish I did not make mistakes that caused harm.

I wish people only saw me at my best.

I wish my best was good enough.

How about you?

Is it hard for you to feel: wrong, inadequate, not enough? Do you think feelings of “less than” make it more difficult for us to accept our limitations? Does that make it harder or easier to admit wrongdoing?