The Liberating Power of Taking Responsibility

If we want to grow, then we best learn how to take responsibility for our problems. One of the things that brings me the greatest joy is working with our son Scott on a daily basis. Few parents have this privilege. Sometimes Scott and I have conflict and we get to sit down and figure out what's going on. This is really a great problem and has brought us a lot closer - in my opinion.

Early on, I would sometimes get defensive if he disagreed with me over an issue. Not always, but under the right conditions, I took exception to his feedback. Thanks be to God and our work with the Enneagram, we began to get more clarity around our habitual ways of getting out of sorts with one another. That cleared up a lot of the conflict.

But not all of it. And here's why. Part of the issue was rooted in my own insecurity. This was part Enneagram stuff and part historical context but it was ALL 100% my responsibility to work on - and I have done just that. Failure to take responsibility for every single bit of my life could have had disastrous consequences for our relationship. I might have continued to ask HIM to take responsibility for my own insecurity by changing how he "handled" our conflicts. That was NOT his work to do. This was easier than it could have been because Scott takes responsibility for is stuff too. Separately and together, we work on taking responsibility for our own work and that means we have far fewer instances where we confuse responsibility with fault-finding.

Last week Scott had a power outage right before our Thursday night meeting - which he was leading. He threw his stuff in his computer bag and rushed to our house to get set up in time to run the group. After the group, instead of assuming that there was fault to be called out, I instead took responsibility to follow up with curiosity. "Hey, I thought you were a little grumpy tonight. Is everything ok?"

He replied, "With the group?" Looking chagrined and no small amount of mortified.

"No! That went fine, I thought you were a little short with me." I clarified.

He paused. He thought. He answered, "Man, I was really stressed. I was worried that I would leave everyone hanging on that call. Sorry you got the brunt of that." He took responsibility and I immediately knew that he was also not finding fault with me. He was not saying I was an annoying mother with many faults that he tolerates. No one was at fault, everyone was taking responsibility for speaking about their experience.

I concurred with his assessment and reiterated that the problem at hand got solved, which was a big win. No residual conflict or feelings or issues stand between us and our treasured relationship. When we take responsibility for our lives, it is liberating.

What Are You Missing?

“Courage is contagious. A critical mass of brave leaders is the foundation of an intentionally courageous culture. Every time we are brave with our lives, we make the people around us a little braver and our organizations bolder and stronger.”

Brene Brown

We live in troubling times, to deny that is just silly. But I wonder what else we are denying, missing or ignoring that is beyond silly and is downright foolish. Want to change the culture? We can start with being “brave with our lives”!

When I deny my responsibility to be part of the solution, I am diminishing myself and the God who made me. Michelle took responsibility for her life and it helped her husband evaluate his life too.

When I believe that my opinions might hold sway with another, I am distracting myself from the work of holding people when they stumble and sway. Kevin had many issues that sunk him into a depression he was self-medicating. Once he sought some outside help, many voices reminded him of how much he was loved and deserved care.

When I ask for the world to ease my anxiety and “be better,” I am asking the wrong question and directing it at the wrong people. I am responsible for my feelings and I can only ask myself to evaluate and execute the call to “be better” by “doing better” - which no doubt must look different for each one of us. Ultimately, I am in awe of Michelle and Kevin and their friends. They all played a part in renewing all the relationships that were involved.

When I ask you to change, I am rude. Michelle’s request for Kevin to change caused resentment, her willingness to name her own needs led to change.

When I refuse to hear your request for me to change, I am missing an opportunity to learn. Kevin could have refused to negotiate, but he didn’t!

Often in relationships change will be a two-way street. But when we keep making it about the other person, we really are heading for a collision.

Identifying the Problem

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

Brene Brown

As a result of the conversation Kevin initiated Michelle had enough information to formulate a plan for what she needed. She could see a pathway through to problem solving and it occurred to her that there might be more options than rehab or a scary intervention. In a nutshell, here was her summary:

“I realized that I could now identify my problem without making it Kevin’s. I HAD A PROBLEM with Kevin’s behaviors when he had too much to drink. From a handful of examples, I chose a couple to illustrate my point - leaving out the golf trip because it seemed so extreme and easily dismissed as a fluke. I was able to go back to Kevin and share my perspective and my needs. What could he say? At that point, it was not about him, it was about me. I was asking him for help.”

Here is her list:

1. I need an expert to weigh in and evaluate your health, including your drinking. I think it is a problem, but I could be wrong. I need more facts to feel less anxious about your health.

2. I need to feel safe when we go out.

3. I need reassurance that alcohol is not going to mess up our family or our friendships. [Notice she said alcohol, not HIS drinking.)

* As related to your problem, what do you need? Write it down.

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

From Conflict to Connection

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Kevin was rattled by the conversation. He was used to the dance he and Michelle usually had when problems arose. This felt different to him. He was anxious. That’s good news, from my perspective. Previously Kevin had not appeared anxious about the issues around his drinking - those feelings were Michelle’s. (This does not mean Kevin wasn’t anxious; he just wasn’t showing it.) Michelle actually felt calmer after getting this “secret” off her chest. He now knew that she knew and that felt like a move in a positive direction. For the first time ever on this subject Kevin initiated the next conversation. He had no notes nor was he using mediation skills. He told her he was angry that she had been gossiping about him with “the girls” and how dare she? He was really pissed at his friends for carrying back his story to their wives. Man, he felt betrayed. There was much Michelle could have said, and the old Michelle might have done so! She could have said, “There wouldn’t have been a story to bring back if you hadn’t acted like an idiot!” OR “I can not believe you even put me in this position, and now you’re mad at ME? Or the guys?” But she didn’t. She remained open. She was curious. “I hear that you are really upset with me and our friends. If I felt like our friends were talking about me, I’d be upset too.” She resisted the temptation to talk. She listened. He vented. She nodded and maintained eye contact and learned. The more he vented, the more he had to say. About work and his boss and their daughter who was “wasting her life on that damn boy”. She made observations and always followed up with, “What’s your perspective?” They made a connection.

* How could you get curious about your situation? Who could broaden your perspective with a different slant?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and _______ as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.