From Conflict to Connection

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Kevin was rattled by the conversation. He was used to the dance he and Michelle usually had when problems arose. This felt different to him. He was anxious. That’s good news, from my perspective. Previously Kevin had not appeared anxious about the issues around his drinking - those feelings were Michelle’s. (This does not mean Kevin wasn’t anxious; he just wasn’t showing it.) Michelle actually felt calmer after getting this “secret” off her chest. He now knew that she knew and that felt like a move in a positive direction. For the first time ever on this subject Kevin initiated the next conversation. He had no notes nor was he using mediation skills. He told her he was angry that she had been gossiping about him with “the girls” and how dare she? He was really pissed at his friends for carrying back his story to their wives. Man, he felt betrayed. There was much Michelle could have said, and the old Michelle might have done so! She could have said, “There wouldn’t have been a story to bring back if you hadn’t acted like an idiot!” OR “I can not believe you even put me in this position, and now you’re mad at ME? Or the guys?” But she didn’t. She remained open. She was curious. “I hear that you are really upset with me and our friends. If I felt like our friends were talking about me, I’d be upset too.” She resisted the temptation to talk. She listened. He vented. She nodded and maintained eye contact and learned. The more he vented, the more he had to say. About work and his boss and their daughter who was “wasting her life on that damn boy”. She made observations and always followed up with, “What’s your perspective?” They made a connection.

* How could you get curious about your situation? Who could broaden your perspective with a different slant?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and _______ as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Checking the Facts...

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Brene Brown

Michelle begins. “So. Marsha told me what happened. I wanted to check the story with you since it is second-hand. She says you got really drunk Saturday night, got belligerent with Bill and ended up breaking some stuff in the rental house. I understand it was $1,000 worth of damages, which you paid for. I also understand that the guys were worried about your behavior and tried to get you to talk about it, but you refused. Do I have the facts right?”

Notice what Michelle did NOT say. “How could you have behaved so badly?” “You have embarrassed me/yourself/us.”“What if the kids find out?” On and on she could have gone, setting him up to feel shame, remorse and maybe really, really defensive. She did none of that. He corrected her on a couple of points: the damage was $900, and the guys were not worried, they were MAD. Now, she could quibble. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t address the guy’s reaction and kind of regrets putting that in her notes. She acknowledges that the math was off without asking him what in the world $100 difference makes!

She notices that she feels nervous and his face reddens. She does what any decent mediator does, she backs off. “Well, thanks for letting me fact check. This felt like a wall between me and you, and to be honest, between me and the wives. I do not know what to do with all this, I love you.”

* What are the signs you notice in yourself or others that indicates it is time to back out of the conversation until calm is re-established?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Qualities of a Good Mediator

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.”

Brene Brown

Michelle learned in her mediation classes that a good mediator stays neutral, leads with facts, does not attack or accuse. They stick to behaviors without making judgments.

When Michelle decided that the pain of the unspoken embarrassment about the golf weekend was more than she could stand, she took a second run at Kevin. This time, she got her facts straight before she circled back to Kevin.

It KILLED her that all her girlfriends had more information than she did about what happened. Although she had tried to appear nonchalant initially, eventually she had to go to her most trusted friend in the group and get vulnerable.

“I am very uncomfortable and it is affecting all my relationships in the group. You guys know more than I do about the debacle. Kevin is mum. I know this is probably not something you want to share, you may feel like it is gossip, but at this point, doesn’t it seem that the cat is out of the bag and I’m left holding the bag?” Her friend agreed and shared the facts. Michelle was better prepared to talk to Kevin. Tomorrow you will hear what she said, which we actually know because she took notes and memorized a script. Sometimes when things are so very important, this is helpful.

* What facts do you need to gather? What judgments and assumptions do you need to set aside before proceeding with problem solving?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Rising to the Top

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

Brene Brown

As Michelle’s responsibilities at home shifted away from the children she returned to her law practice, but with a slightly different focus. Once a tough litigator of criminal cases she did not want to return to that level of intensity. She decided to become an attorney with a specialty in mediation. It was because of this training that Michelle believes she backed up and recalibrated when her husband became so defensive once she mentioned the increased problems associated with his drinking.

This was not the only factor that disrupted Michelle’s typical reactions to conflict with her beloved. Michelle was having a spiritual awakening of sorts. Here is what she reported, “I have learned over the years what it is like to be hard - tough, protective, and closed in. I also know what it is like to be held - loved, supported, and open-hearted. I believed that I could coerce Kevin to comply. But this is not who I want to be anymore. I have a choice as to who I want to be and I have chosen to focus on the grace I have been given. I want to trust that the world is a benevolent place and is oh so achingly and slowly becoming heaven on earth.”

Now, before we assume Michelle has been smoking crack, considering 2020 has been the year that many of us have cursed, stop. Pause. Ask yourself - what if I am wrong? What if I am wrong about everything I have thought about 2020? Maybe the world is not going to hell in a handbasket, maybe the world is shaken and stirred so that the cream might rise to the top. Maybe we needed a big intervention to move us away from our own personal ambivalence. Maybe we are all called to do some soul searching.

* What caused you to forget grace? What distracts you from seeing God’s support and lovingkindness permeating your life and the lives of others?