Check in with Your Brain

The human brain is amazing, but not without its own limitations. Our brain, which loves to find patterns so that it can predict things, prefers predicting more than accuracy. Last night, after another rousing game of tennis, Pete said, "It is so weird, I hit a certain shot and my muscle memory causes my body to relax because you have NEVER gotten that shot back in our life...and now you return it!" This is brain bias. Fifty years of playing tennis together (I know! That's a long time!!) and his body/brain connection KNOWS what I'm not able to do. But guess what? I'm DOING different! I'm returning some of those shots and that man is standing there flat-footed, all relaxed in his tennis superiority.

Pete's brain and body have not caught up with the new reality around here. And he knows it, but cannot change it! This is the power of brain bias. Our brain behaves like this because it craves certainty. That is efficient, it requires our brain to not get over-heated while considering multiple options.

But a brain that is certain, but incorrect, is a brain that is making less-than-ideal decisions. The brain feels better about everything because nothing is threatened. But the human that is housing the brain is living with handicaps they do not even know about!

The current problem Pete has is an unresponsive body after he plays particular shots on the tennis court. If he hits a short ball cross-court, he assumes I cannot get to it fast enough. If he hits a high lob back to the baseline, he assumes I am going to flub the return.

This USED to be true. Not so much now. Pete is beginning to recognize (because he is humble and contrite of heart) that he has a better problem that he is responsible to address. The better problem is that he gets to hit the ball another time because I am going to return it. The old problem was that if he managed to hit the ball in predictable ways, I would lose the point every time. That's fine if you are playing Wimbledon. But we do not have rankings or prize money to fret over. We want to play a fun, competitive, game with lots of rallies.

The new problem is a better problem because it is more in line with our core values - lots of rallies. Pete will no doubt overcome his brain/body's sluggish reactions to his new, improved opponent. This is a new and better problem.

I bet your brain has some situations that are similar - habitual ways of thinking, believing, feeling, reacting, behaving. These habits are netting you predictable problems. Dare to dream! Wake up and discover that your brain, though lovely, has it limits and with less certainty, you might discover new, more interesting problems to solve.

Damage Control…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control. 

If we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control then we can begin to mentally prepare ourselves for our own reactions.  If we can prepare, then we can begin to create space to choose (within reason)  a response to our reactions (as opposed to simply reacting to our reactions).

I know, I know- this sounds too easy.  In many ways, it is too easy.  We’re not always going to be able to choose a response.  Some triggers are so powerful and so deeply ingrained that the only way to come to grips at all is to do meaningful work with a therapist of a long period of time.  The point is not that we can learn how to gain control of ourselves when we’re powerless.  The point is that gaining awareness may make some of our roughest edges a little bit smoother.  

We may learn to “limit the damage.”

2021 Scott chiming in:

Being able to choose a response requires a few things- some practice being mindful about when we’re “triggered,” some safety in the relationship where we’re triggered, some sense of safety in general, and some techniques for calming ourselves down, including some helpful distractions we can engage in to get out of the triggered moment.

Again, this is a big topic- and we’ll find ways to explore it more in the future.

Planning for Triggers

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  In order to learn something from our outbursts, we need to be willing to rigorously examine ourselves in the aftermath. 

This includes:  making a mental note of the things that trigger us.  What kinds of things create unnecessarily large emotional reactions within us?  Is there a pattern?  When have I reacted this way to this kind of situation before?  Have my reactions to this kind of situation always been this strong?  Why or why not?  If not, what has changed?  

Perhaps today you can reflect on a situation you have some emotional distance from and try asking yourself these questions.

If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control.  

Scott’s thoughts in 2021:

Being able to identify triggers and recognize patterns is crucially important. We may need help with this- we may need to ask the people “in our hut” to help us recognize patterns of acting “too big” for what the situation requires.

Once we’re aware of triggers, we can start to plan out what to do about them- and this will depend on the circumstances. It is important to process the things that create the triggers, it’s also important to learn new actions in response to triggers…perhaps this is a good topic for a future Saturday night class?

It’s Your Journey

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

How do we stop trying to regain control in such destructive ways?

The past few days we've talked about attentiveness and the ways in which this helps us trace our reactions to their source.  This is the beginning of the process of learning to respond to triggers as opposed to reacting to them.  

A similar-sounding, though quite distinct, skill involves remaining alert.  What do I mean by this?  

What I've been describing this month, so far, is a "deep track" of recovery work.  It's not an area we address early on.  It's something that comes later in the process as we gain some stability.  Stability, for all its merits, creates problems.  It affords us the opportunity to relax, to settle in, and to breathe.  We need this.  But if we stretch this too far we become disengaged and complacent.  

Remaining alert means refusing to believe that, "we have arrived," that "we have gotten somewhere," or that "we have progressed."  At the very least, we refuse to believe that we have progressed to the point where we no longer need to actively pursue our recovery.  

Over time, we actively pursue new areas and skill sets, but we don't stop the pursuit.  Remaining alert means that we can acknowledge progress as long as we acknowledge that we must continue the work.  

Future Scott on Past Scott:

We will likely, over the course of time, have periods of high stress and periods of lower stress. And I do agree that it’s important to take advantage of the times in life when our stress is lower. This is a good time to do some brainstorming about the life we want to live because we are not backed into a corner and we feel we have more options and more opportunities for being creative in terms of how we continue to create our lives. 

I think I like thinking of life in this way: It’s always something we’re creating. We’re never done creating it. We’re always moving, always journeying, always heading somewhere, and rarely in the same direction. 

What direction do you want to travel in, today, right now?

Focus on the Tangible

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

If we're content to react to whatever is beneath our surface unconsciously then we miss the opportunity to listen to ourselves, deal with pain, share the pain, and find community.

Our unconscious reactions are rarely directed towards the true source of our frustration, disappointment, or whatever.  What I mean is:  when we react to what is beneath the surface unconsciously then we're not actually addressing what is beneath the surface.  We are addressing something altogether unrelated and, generally, dragging innocent and vulnerable people down into our misery.  

We maintain control through exerting ourselves on something more vulnerable than ourselves.  When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance.  We intuitively and unconsciously believe, wrongly, that subjugating something or someone else helps us feel like we are maintaining control in the midst of great uncertainty.  

Tomorrow we get real practical.

Future Scott vs. Past Scott:

I don’t really think in terms of subconscious processes anymore because I’m not really sure how helpful it is and I don’t think there’s any way to really get to the bottom of subconscious processes anyway. So I prefer to talk in terms of what is (today). 

When I say what is I mean things that are tangible. When we take our frustration out on someone, that’s very tangible. We can own that incident and make amends. And, if we’re frustrated at a high enough level on a regular enough basis, we may need to work on mindfulness of our emotions so that we can pay attention to things we might be overlooking. 

The bottom line point might be the same regardless: If we’re not acting like ourselves, we might want to explore that.