What Are You Missing?

“Courage is contagious. A critical mass of brave leaders is the foundation of an intentionally courageous culture. Every time we are brave with our lives, we make the people around us a little braver and our organizations bolder and stronger.”

Brene Brown

We live in troubling times, to deny that is just silly. But I wonder what else we are denying, missing or ignoring that is beyond silly and is downright foolish. Want to change the culture? We can start with being “brave with our lives”!

When I deny my responsibility to be part of the solution, I am diminishing myself and the God who made me. Michelle took responsibility for her life and it helped her husband evaluate his life too.

When I believe that my opinions might hold sway with another, I am distracting myself from the work of holding people when they stumble and sway. Kevin had many issues that sunk him into a depression he was self-medicating. Once he sought some outside help, many voices reminded him of how much he was loved and deserved care.

When I ask for the world to ease my anxiety and “be better,” I am asking the wrong question and directing it at the wrong people. I am responsible for my feelings and I can only ask myself to evaluate and execute the call to “be better” by “doing better” - which no doubt must look different for each one of us. Ultimately, I am in awe of Michelle and Kevin and their friends. They all played a part in renewing all the relationships that were involved.

When I ask you to change, I am rude. Michelle’s request for Kevin to change caused resentment, her willingness to name her own needs led to change.

When I refuse to hear your request for me to change, I am missing an opportunity to learn. Kevin could have refused to negotiate, but he didn’t!

Often in relationships change will be a two-way street. But when we keep making it about the other person, we really are heading for a collision.

A Pause For Prayer

“We run from grief because loss scares us, yet our hearts reach toward grief because the broken parts want to mend.”

Brene Brown

Let’s pray…

God, I cannot escape from your presence or control. My work is to believe that your grace and mercy guide your hand, and it is my privilege, a true gift, to receive your wisdom, patience, mercy and grace. Does the discovery of your goodness banish my fear, draw me near to you, help me to confess my shortcomings? Sometimes. When I review my past failings and am conscious of my present character defects, I hesitate to come to you. I distract myself with small creature comforts. But you, O God, did not create me to be too small or too big. I may be foundationally made from dust, but I also bear your image. Although I am capable of breaking a lot of stuff, You save me. I need you. Restore to me the joy of my salvation; renew my strength. Grant me the joy of spirituality in a world that is shaken and stirred, crass and confused.

Amen

Seeking Solutions

“I believe that what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves. For that reason, regret can be the birthplace of empathy.”

Brene Brown

Brene has taught kazillions of her listeners that we are all doing the best we can. That may not be particularly effective or good, but she urges us to assume people are doing the best they can. This cuts down on judgment - which is always a good thing.

When Michelle showed up with her list of needs, the negotiation began in earnest but without fighting. Together, they decided the following:

1. They would get couple’s counseling to work through this issue. (The therapist eventually suggested individual therapy for Kevin and he agreed. It was received much better from an “expert” than if his wife had suggested it.)

2. Kevin would get sober curious. He chose to take a 30 day hiatus from all drinking and just see what happened.

3. They bought gym equipment for their house and began daily quarantine walks - which, it turns out - made it easier for them to open up with each other. Something they had been missing but had not realized.

4. Michelle agreed to not ask any questions about his drinking, his therapy or EVER mention that golf trip again.

5. And Kevin, God love him, went and made amends to his friends. The husbands and the wives.

As of this writing, Kevin is 120 days sober, has lost a few pounds, and is now pursuing a career change. It turns out that he wants to be a little less productive as a rainmaker and more present for his family. It’s not all perfect, but it is so much better than it was at the start of 2020. See? Not everything about this year is a bust, cause this family is thriving!

* Dare to dream. What solution do you seek? What is your problem to address?

Identifying the Problem

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

Brene Brown

As a result of the conversation Kevin initiated Michelle had enough information to formulate a plan for what she needed. She could see a pathway through to problem solving and it occurred to her that there might be more options than rehab or a scary intervention. In a nutshell, here was her summary:

“I realized that I could now identify my problem without making it Kevin’s. I HAD A PROBLEM with Kevin’s behaviors when he had too much to drink. From a handful of examples, I chose a couple to illustrate my point - leaving out the golf trip because it seemed so extreme and easily dismissed as a fluke. I was able to go back to Kevin and share my perspective and my needs. What could he say? At that point, it was not about him, it was about me. I was asking him for help.”

Here is her list:

1. I need an expert to weigh in and evaluate your health, including your drinking. I think it is a problem, but I could be wrong. I need more facts to feel less anxious about your health.

2. I need to feel safe when we go out.

3. I need reassurance that alcohol is not going to mess up our family or our friendships. [Notice she said alcohol, not HIS drinking.)

* As related to your problem, what do you need? Write it down.

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

From Conflict to Connection

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Kevin was rattled by the conversation. He was used to the dance he and Michelle usually had when problems arose. This felt different to him. He was anxious. That’s good news, from my perspective. Previously Kevin had not appeared anxious about the issues around his drinking - those feelings were Michelle’s. (This does not mean Kevin wasn’t anxious; he just wasn’t showing it.) Michelle actually felt calmer after getting this “secret” off her chest. He now knew that she knew and that felt like a move in a positive direction. For the first time ever on this subject Kevin initiated the next conversation. He had no notes nor was he using mediation skills. He told her he was angry that she had been gossiping about him with “the girls” and how dare she? He was really pissed at his friends for carrying back his story to their wives. Man, he felt betrayed. There was much Michelle could have said, and the old Michelle might have done so! She could have said, “There wouldn’t have been a story to bring back if you hadn’t acted like an idiot!” OR “I can not believe you even put me in this position, and now you’re mad at ME? Or the guys?” But she didn’t. She remained open. She was curious. “I hear that you are really upset with me and our friends. If I felt like our friends were talking about me, I’d be upset too.” She resisted the temptation to talk. She listened. He vented. She nodded and maintained eye contact and learned. The more he vented, the more he had to say. About work and his boss and their daughter who was “wasting her life on that damn boy”. She made observations and always followed up with, “What’s your perspective?” They made a connection.

* How could you get curious about your situation? Who could broaden your perspective with a different slant?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and _______ as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.