Other People Might Need the Same Things You Need

It’s worth considering that those around us who are hurting might need the same kinds of things that we need when we’re hurting.

Now, on the one hand, we’re all different. No two people have the same needs. But, at the same time, it helps to reflect on what we need when we’re hurting because it can help guide us towards a helpful response to the people who we know who are hurting.

A couple of days ago I reminded us that people who are hurting are difficult to affirm even though they might be the ones who need it the most. It’s likely that receiving affirmation has really helped some of you in the past. And, it’s likely that affirmation will help your hurting loved ones.

Why do I bring this up?

Because we tend to be a bit backwards when it comes to hurting people. We don’t often treat them the way we would want to be treated (yes, The Golden Rule). We instead give advice, or tell them that things will be better soon, or tell them why the problem happened in the first place, etc.

Rarely do we affirm and simply sit with the other person’s struggles. This is a very real spiritual discipline.

Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you…

Matthew 7:12a

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

What Do YOU Need When You’re Hurting?

Well, the question is a bit unfair. A lot of us don’t know what we need when we’re hurting, we just know that we hurt.

Perhaps we should ask the question, “What has helped you before, in retrospect?” Hindsight can truly be 20/20.

Spend some time reflecting on this. Make a list.

Try to remember all of the things that helped, no matter how small.

Was it a walk, or exercise? Being in nature? Writing in a journal? A spiritual discipline? A regular phone call or lunch or some other meetup with a friend?

Share your ideas!

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

People Who are Struggling Are Difficult to Affirm

When someone is struggling they don’t act like their “best selves.” This means they will likely be more irritable and less cheerful. They might be moodier. They might criticize you more, or be more withdrawn, or distracted. In other words, they are going to do fewer activities that seem worthy of affirmation.

The question becomes, then, do we want to respond to this behavior in a way that amplifies it or pacifies it? Do we want to help it become better or worse?

Mostly when someone is driving us nuts we want them to stop doing the things that drive us nuts. However, we respond by settling for fighting fire-with-fire. If someone snaps at me, I snap at them. If someone criticizes me, I criticize them, and so on.

The reality is, in most cases we are not going to argue someone from being irritable into being cheerful. However, showing patience, gentleness, and kindness, might help. We cannot, of course, fix another person’s problems. We cannot coerce someone into going from unpleasant to pleasant. But what we can do is avoid piling on during tough times.

You don’t even have to find something current to affirm. You can simply affirm that person for what they have meant to you. For instance, “I know you know this, but I just wanted to tell you again that you are one of my most valued friends.”

Small things can make a big difference.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Sometimes Affirming Feels Like a “Reach”

We affirm people for their sake. It is good to affirm people because people who are regularly affirmed can become better people.

Sometimes you have to look really hard for something to affirm. When you have to look really hard, it almost feels “cheap” to then offer that affirmation. But it’s not.

Affirmation is never cheap. It is a gift.

We may not feel like giving some people a gift. They may not deserve it. It’s true, some people cause so much harm that even I, as a pastor, would ask God to forgive any lack of forgiveness on your part.

Yet, at the same time, affirmations open people up to change that they might not otherwise have been able to consider. People who are affirmed may become “better” people, so to speak. They may not cause harm in the same ways as they did in the past as a result of their change.

Perhaps it’s someone else’s job to offer affirmation to a person who has caused you harm. I simply can’t say. I have no idea what the right thing to do is.

Whatever the case may be, it’s worth wrestling with.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming Others Requires Us to Pay Attention to Them

Are you listening to your loved ones? Are you truly listening? Are you paying attention?

According to them, why do they do the things that frustrate you so much?

Do you know the answer to that question?

But do you actually know the answer to that question?

Chances are, if we truly listened to those we are in relationship with, they can articulate quite clearly why they do the things they do (even if those things seem “crazy” to us).

Let’s take a very simple (well, on the surface) example.

Let’s say you’re completely baffled at your loved one’s ability to keep using substances despite negative consequences. Let’s also say that your loved one says that use because they feel so unworthy and undeserving of love. Let’s say they feel they have nothing to offer or contribute. Let’s say they feel like a relationship failure who is hopeless to ever “improve.” Let’s say they really, really want to change because they want to show you how much they love you but just keep slipping up.

Most of us can connect with the feeling that we’re unloved, unworthy, undeserving. Almost everyone struggles with those feelings at some time or another. This may open the door for a little empathy.

For instance, “I really appreciate your desire to change even though you’re struggling emotionally.”

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29