Coming clean deepens relationships

Step 5: We admitted to God, to oneself, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

There is a lot that gets in the way of our ability to admit things to God, to ourselves, or to other human beings. 

What will people think of me? Will I be accepted? Or, perhaps more commonly: Will I be rejected?

We’re hard-wired to care what other people think of us. It’s quite popular these days for the internet to tell us things like, “You’re not really ready for a relationship until you don’t care about being in one.” Or, “You know you’ve matured when you can do your own thing regardless of what other people think.”

In the words of the Brits…what a load of bollocks. 

Of course you care what other people think- it’s part of what makes you human. It’s what allows you to empathize. It’s the same mechanism that kicks in and says, “You might not want to do _____ because there will be relational consequences.” Caring what other people think keeps us on track. 

Let me clarify. Caring what other people think of us is not the same as people-pleasing. It’s not the same thing as suppressing your wants/desires/needs in order to prioritize someone else’s. It’s just a way of acknowledging we need other people in our lives and, generally speaking, we only get and keep relationships if we treat other people with respect. And, if we don’t have any awareness or concern about how we’re perceived by others then we’re unlikely to treat them with respect. Why? Because we’ll only be concerned with our own wants/needs/desires. That’s a good recipe for selfish living and that is a good recipe for an isolated life. 

For these reasons, I think it’s quite good to consider what other people think of us, how people experience us, and to even compare this to how we want other people to think of us and experience us. In this context though, it can be something that holds us back. 

It holds us back because of the intuitive way that wrongdoing gets resolved in relationships. We often think that we’re better off hiding it so we don’t have to deal with hard things. I suppose the thought is (we don’t usually give this much thought though, to be fair) that if we avoid hard things then our relationships are better off. Or, more realistically, we believe somewhere deep inside that hard things erode a relationship rather than build it up. 

But…is this really true? Think of the people you have a deep connection to. Is it because you have the same joys? Is it really because you both like cooking? Or is it because you share a struggle? 

Of course we don’t have to turn this into a black-and-white thing. But our shared struggles bind us together. Even in romantic relationships. Going through hardship can ultimately strengthen us (though this is not inevitably the case- it requires some effort). 

Even in our most intimate relationships- we think that doing something wrong is going to disqualify us, is going to cause problems, is going to tear us apart, is going to break trust. To be fair- those things can happen. But- if we hide what we’ve done wrong it’s a lot harder to bounce back. 

Owning what we’ve done is an invitation. It’s an invitation to share hurts and vulnerabilities. It’s an invitation to connect. It’s an invitation to collaborate on a path forward and to resolve the past. 

And- people tend to appreciate it. Of course “coming clean” about some things is easier than others. But if we come clean about things voluntarily we’re much more likely to be met with support than condemnation. This is what is so counterintuitive about relationships. When we do the things we’re afraid of we’re far better off than if we avoid them. 

Perhaps you can even think of a specific time when you took a risk in a relationship that you were afraid to take…and it really paid off. 

Believe it or not- this isn’t just about psychology and interpersonal relationships. It’s a spiritual truth. Consider the following:

5 This is the message that we have heard from him and announce to you: “God is light and there is no darkness in him at all.” 6 If we claim, “We have fellowship with him,” and live in the darkness, we are lying and do not act truthfully. 7 But if we live in the light in the same way as he is in the light, we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin. 8 If we claim, “We don’t have any sin,” we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.9 But if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from everything we’ve done wrong.

~ 1 John 1:5-9, CEB

Notice what confession does. We tend to focus so heavily on this idea that it makes us right with God. Which it does, of course. But notice what else it does. It binds us together. 

We have fellowship with one another. This is a strong biblical theme. Being right with one another leads us to peace with God. Being right with God leads us to peace with one another. Our relationship to God and our relationships with humans are ultimately inseparable. 

We are often afraid that confession is going to break our relationships. And that it is going to bring the judgment of God. It actually does the opposite. It restores us, and it builds our relationships. 

So, what should we be afraid of?

Uh, well, ideally, from a spiritual perspective, I would say don’t be afraid of anything because it doesn’t bring out the best in us. But, if you are going to be afraid of something, be afraid of what hiding does. Hiding prevents intimacy. Hiding sustains animosity. Hiding undermines our ability to live as faithful people who reflect God’s love. 

Coming clean does the opposite. It is a modeling of God’s love. It invites deeper relationship. It may lead to some hardship and difficulty but, in the long run, hardship and difficulty shape us and form us into the people God wants us to be.

God thinks you’re worth investing in

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I was a Christian long before I could lay any claim to the experience of recovery. Sit with that. Think about the implication of that statement. We know intellectually that many Christians suffer from addictions to gambling, pornography (67% of pastors), alcohol, food, drugs and more. But do we KNOW this, and if we did understand it, what difference would it make? If turning our life over to the care and control of God "fixed stuff" we would not need a Fourth Step. This would be measurable. We would see fewer divorces, less substance abuse, fewer clicks on the computer on sketchy websites, and a significant decrease in alcohol sales. This is not what we see because turning our life over to God, as sincere and heartfelt as it may be, does NOT automatically fix anything. It hints at the possibility of what we might believe, it provides no assurance that we will change how we behave.

I guess that is why there are 12 steps, not three! Earlier this summer I spent a week in a retreat designed to help me make a searching moral inventory. No one asked the 14 of us who took this journey to be fearless. In fact, they expected us to be afraid - what they asked of us was to be courageous and do it anyway. I gave my whole-heart to this experience; it is the closest thing I can imagine to the 12 steps without the 12 steps. It was not brutal, cruel, or harsh. It was loving and thorough. No punches were pulled; not space was left between my mentor's words and the truth. It was direct and detailed in the sense that I left that week knowing the ways I was frustrating the work of God in my life AND a very clear picture of a specific kind of work that I had yet to accomplish.

In light of the image provided me on the last day of the retreat of who I AM and what I am to DO, I gladly embrace a moral inventory on MYSELF. Any inventory is frightening. Care about your weight and you will fear the scale. Care about your education and you will fear the semester's report card. Care about your faith and you will fear that you are not faithful. Care about your athleticism and you fear losing games in the arena of sports. This is normal human stuff; but I do not think it is looking through the eyes of God to evaluate our life in such a way as this, like a scared little rabbit.

The authors of the 12 steps, inspired by the scriptures, knew that inventories are not about guilt, shame, performance, manipulation and fear. This crucial principle often gets lost in the translation. It is a complete inventory. Years and years ago a guy by the name of Keith Miller described a Fourth Step like transferring a business from one owner to the next. When negotiating a buy out inventories are taken and buyer calculates the risk and reward for handing over cold hard cash for this particular business. Inevitably there are issues with the business - but ALWAYS there is an upside, or else the business would fold. No fool would buy a business that had no value!

Your inventory is taking stock of where you are right now. There are surely damaged or out-of-date parts of you that no longer work. Coping strategies that may have saved us as kids need to be discarded. This is extremely important work and will show you what not longer works for you and must be let go of. All of us know this is not easy and feels scary to even consider. This is a given but this is not the interesting part. Don't get all fascinated by all your problems, or else you are thinking like a scared little rabbit. You are not a rabbit.

Do THAT work, whatever it takes, so that you can get to the fascinating work. An inventory of the parts of you that are already functioning well, and will be essential for your future. Your life's work. Your purpose. That which will give your life meaning...

The scriptures tell us 365 times to fear not. This tells me two things: we are not rabbits and do not need to be afraid, and we are afraid even though we are not a little rabbit. God knows this. It's a paradox. Maybe we are afraid, no worries. Be courageous. Scared? Ok. Keep a running inventory anyway. Ask yourself: having turned my life over to God in whatever shape it was in when I did so, what does my life look like today and what do I need to acknowledge, what do I need help with, what vision am I to be living into? Dig deep. Don't just assume because you are this or that faith that it means you are a faithful person. You are not faithful all the time. You are forgetful - forgetful of God and forgetful of yourself. There is virtue within you. There is a particular way of seeing the world, through the eyes of faith, that is within you. Planted in you as you swam around in your mother's womb. This is not some ideology you choose to accept or reject. You are not standing in line at Starbucks trying to decide if you want a cappuccino or a specialty lemonade. You are a tiny, but priceless speck in a world that existed before you and will tumble on once your soul departs your body.

While you are here, you are a business worth investing in. God was willing to buy you back. Of course he knows your shortcomings, duh, big deal. But he looked into your eyes, saw deep into your heart and also said this, "This one. This one right here. I can work with." Fear not, little rabbit, I am with you. Go tell the truth without fear because God has already told us the most fascinating truth - we are investable. We are an asset in the Kingdom of God.

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect." 1 Peter 1:18-19

Turn your life over to your higher power by letting someone else show you the way

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be loyal to the one and have contempt for the other. You cannot serve God and wealth. 

~ Matthew 6:24, CEB

There are a bunch of different concepts we could explore in step 3. We could talk about: 

• Making a decision

• Turning over our lives and will

• The care of God

• The nature of understanding God (and maybe how our evolving relationship with God impacts how we understand)

All of those seem important to me. And yet- an entirely different idea springs to mind that I’m going to write about today and I’m not entirely sure it makes sense. As I was trying to decide what to focus on this week, the verses above eventually sprang to mind (after an hour of just hoping I’d have an idea and getting nothing much done). 

Well- okay- let’s be totally honest- I Googled “step 3 and bible verses” and went through dozens of results trying to find something that felt relevant to me. This verse was buried in a much larger passage in a blog post and I couldn’t really make heads or tails of what the passage or the blog post had to do with step 3. You may experience something similar reading this post- time will tell. 

As I have done with steps 1 and 2, I spent some time reflecting on the essence of step 3. It seems to be something like: we’re making a conscious effort to place something other than ourselves in charge of our lives. That’s pretty complex work. It means trusting that something outside of ourselves is worthy of being in charge of our lives. It means we’re unlikely to solve our problems on our own without some guidance (looking back at steps 1 and 2). And, here’s the part that might be a stretch, I believe it means that our higher power is not only going to care for us but provide us with the path forward (remembering that our higher power is going to restore us to sanity) as a result of turning our lives over. 

So what does this have to do with having two masters? 

My thought is: it matters who (or what) we serve or turn our lives over to. It’s important to choose wisely or we might end up in a situation where we’re confused about who (or what) we serve. If that happens, we may end up in conflict with ourselves or others. In this example, pursuing wealth may put us at odds with God. But it’s just as easy to imagine this applying to sobriety. Perhaps we might be tempted to pursue Pleasure and Sobriety simultaneously. Those are two gods who might be tough to serve at the same time. 

Or- to get even more complex- perhaps we are tempted to pursue Sobriety and God simultaneously. Is it possible that pursuing sobriety could put us at odds with God? Could it be that step 3 assumes following God (or a higher power) will ultimately lead to sobriety- but that sobriety itself should not become god. In other words- I believe the early steps lead us to believe sobriety is an outcome of doing the steps and not a higher power. 

I don’t want us to overthink this. I believe the spirit of these verses reminds us that it is important, even crucial, to choose our life priorities carefully. It matters what path we’re on. And, as we think about the momentum of the 12 steps, it matters that we follow a proven path that has been walked by others who can offer us guidance on our spiritual journey. 

This is the essence of the first 3 steps when taken as a whole. Our way of living has created problems we can’t ignore. We believe that change is possible (we can be restored to sanity) if we allow a higher power to guide us. And we decide to let that higher power take the wheel. 

Letting our higher power take the wheel means that we do not let some other higher power take the wheel. We’re choosing one and only one higher power that can show us a proven path to provide us with focus and clarity as we try to reach our spiritual destination. 

That’s what I want us to focus on today. I want us to focus on focus (whoops- used “focus” too many times) and clarity. Having two masters means confusion. It means not knowing what to prioritize or what to focus on and the consequence of that is we end up, at best, confused or, at worst, totally lost. 

And that’s my question for you:

• What do you think you should be focusing on in life right now given your unique spiritual journey?

• Is there anyone or anything that can provide guidance to you with the path you’re on?

• How might you “turn your life and will” over to the care of God?

Answering these questions is likely going to mean reaching out and asking others for support and guidance. If you can do that, you might be well on your way to practicing step 3 because you will be living as if you need a higher power to guide you by assuming that He is putting people in your life who can show you the way.

The beauty of being sick

Step 3: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

During the pandemic I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. I would have benefited from treatment, or at a minimum some extended time for reflection, rest, and recovery. In case you have forgotten, the world shut down for six weeks. Maybe you think the pandemic, so long as you didn't get sick or die, was the perfect time for reflection, rest, and recovery. This was not true for a pastor whose primary focus is serving those who suffer with substance use disorder and their families.

It was brutal. ALL THE THINGS that I believe help foster recovery were unavailable. Sure, there were zoom meetings, but interpersonal CONNECTION is the cornerstone of healthy recovery. If zoom was all we had, it is what we would use but it is NOT ideal. Isolation is a Petri dish of substance abuse. Daily use is easy to hide. Beer for breakfast is an option if you are not worried about cramming into a conference room at 9 am to discuss the latest profitability numbers for the quarter. People frown on beer breath in the workplace.

I did not handle this well. Understatement. I crashed. If I did not exactly lose my belief, I certainly began to question it. I came to the point of questioning one of my beliefs in particular: We can do hard things. Children brought up in a stressful environment always end up with a host of childish beliefs that they carry with them into adulthood without question - this was one of mine. My childhood felt hard. I not only survived it - I crushed it. I did the hard things. I came to believe that this is what "good" people do; what I do; what God would have us do. And I, like most people, did not notice that the scriptures teach the opposite. Sure, there's the Philippians 4:13 passage that says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But does it mean that I, that we, can do hard things?

Look, let's get real. The only action heroes in the Bible without clay feet are not human. We quake at the sight of angels; we forget God in the blink of an eye; we will defy God at every turn; the obedient inevitably crack and do naughty things. The scriptures are actually quite clear if I stop reading them through the lens of a traumatized child looking to fight my way out: people are weak. Post breakdown, when I ended up having to go back and re-examine my foundation for cracks, I realize that when Paul talked about strength, it was AFTER he reported a total lack of confidence in the flesh!

Here's what I'm thinking today. My experience, the scriptures, and a whole lot of people way smarter than I am or will ever be believe that in order to heal, one must first acknowledge they are sick. Another thing I learned, people get well when they believe that healing is possible and their healer is trustworthy. Today, I do not think I do hard things particularly well. But, oddly enough, I experience myself as a bit sturdier having acknowledged this.

Last week the air conditioning broke in my office on the third floor of an old, old brick building. It was 87 degrees in there with 16 people sitting in a circle for four freaking hours trying to figure out how to be their best selves. I now know what it is like to be a rotisserie chicken. While I sat in my sweat, I did not pretend I was strong. I knew this was an experience to be endured or quit. No pressure. I could do either. Because I'm not trying to be strong anymore, I am choosing to be faithful, and courageous - which by the way, trust me, you can do from a position of fear, weakness, terror, rage, sickness, etc. BUT never from a position of strength.

I love the Third step because it serves as a daily reminder that in this life there must be a constant acknowledgement that I do NOT have power, but I DO have choice. And today, I choose to surrender to a power that is greater than myself. I picture Paul, crying out, "I can do all things!" without an ounce of conviction. He's hoping. He's praying. He's encouraging. He's framing it within the context of belief in a power greater than himself. Today I set aside my childish conviction that Paul boomed these words from a pulpit before thousands in a show of strength; today I am free to wonder. Was he simply being courageous and exercising his faith? Did he have a fever that day? Did his sciatica bother him? Was he reminding himself as much as he was instructing the people to whom he was writing? I dunno. I wonder. The third step is an invitation to wonder. It is not a test. It's a choice, not a demand.

I am my own higher power (and that’s a problem)

Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

We live in a society that is very certain about Jesus. 

We know all kinds of things about him. We know who he would vote for. We know what kinds of things he would care about if he lived and walked among us today. We know what he would be willing to go to battle over. We know what he would condemn. We know what he would support. 

And, miraculously, they’re the exact same things as me!

Isn’t that how it works? The Jesus I envision cares about what I care about. He’s angry about what I’m angry about. He shows compassion where I show compassion (or where I’d like to). He would “hang out” with the kind of people I hang out with. 

To borrow a phrase from the British, what a bloody coincidence that we’ve all gotten all these things exactly right!

But- well- hang on a minute here. I know some people whose vision of Jesus is quite a bit different than my own. So, who is right?

Me, of course!

Alright, alright, enough horsing around. You know I’m being cheeky. But I’m being cheeky about a very real problem: How do we decide what kind of Jesus to follow? The very stodgy religious Christians among us will say: How dare you ask that question!? There is only one Jesus, you hippie!

Of course there is only one- but there is a lot of disagreement among us about what that Jesus looks like, what he values, and what kinds of things he’d have to say to us if he were to come down and join us tomorrow. 

I don’t think this is an easy problem to solve because I personally don’t believe the answer is even remotely close to, “Everyone gets it a little bit right.” They most certainly do not- some people get Jesus very, very wrong. John Piper believes that God destroyed New Orleans because some gay people happen to live there. In my opinion, Piper is just blinded by his own prejudice and then ascribing his prejudice to God. Pretty convenient! And wrong. And not even close. (Scary thought for the John Pipers of the world here, but, gay people live all over the place and there are plenty of places that haven’t been destroyed by hurricanes. So…I’m going to need someone to do the math for me on that one.)

Regardless of my own personal bias against John Piper- this example tells us all something important about ourselves. We see the Jesus we go looking for. We assume God has the same biases we do and- if we’re really not careful- we assume that our biases exist because we’re being faithful people. What I mean is- John Piper believes that his views on the LGBT+ community came from God and that by having those views, he is practicing godliness. 

Alright- I have a different set of biases and so his bother me. Guilty as charged. But my point is: we all do this in some form or fashion. We follow a Jesus or God that makes us feel comfortable with who we are and with our choices and with our stances and so on and so on. 

We have beliefs, for whatever reason, and then we find reasons why God agrees with those beliefs and why those beliefs are the correct ones to have. When we do this- we make God a puppet. God exists to take on our cares and concerns, not the other way around. We are not shaped by God into his image, we are shaping God into our image. 

If you’re wondering what this has to do with step 2 here goes: people are not particularly good at living as if God truly is a power greater than ourselves. God, all too often, is a mere reflection of ourselves rather than the creator of all that is- the very being that has the capacity to transform us into someone new and different (I’m looking ahead to step 3 here a little bit). 

When God has our views and our values and nothing but our views and our values then God is not a power greater than ourselves. God is a power lesser than ourselves because He is merely taking on our image. He has no image of His own to give us even if we were interested in receiving it (and all too often we are not). 

In the context of recovery, Step 2 is about hope. It’s about the process of coming to believe that there is something out there that can transform our problems and ourselves. For us at Northstar, that is the God of the Bible. 

In order for this to be hopeful though, God has to truly be a power greater than ourselves. 

None of these problems are new for us humans. 

35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

Mark 5:35-41, CEB

Even the disciples didn’t quite recognize Jesus for who he was and they didn’t quite know what they were dealing with. Now, we always laugh when we rehash these stories about the disciples…but they had a legitimate excuse! There hadn’t been a Jesus before. They couldn’t read the New Testament in order to compare their teacher to Jesus. They were figuring out who he was as they went. 

This story is often told as if it’s about fear. Don’t be afraid like the disciples were! God is going to calm the winds of the storms of your life and solve all your problems!

That isn’t what this story is about, thank God. Because we know that that isn’t true. Our lives always have problems. And, of course, we believe God works in and through them and even resolves some of them. But to say that we should just never have fear because God can calm the wind…no…that’s not really what we’re dealing with here.

What we are dealing with is the disciples’ process of coming to believe in a power greater than themselves. They couldn’t see it at first. And that’s fair enough. They had to witness Jesus up close and personal for a while to come to grips with who he was, what he was capable of, and what this all meant both for themselves but also, ultimately, for all people who have ever walked this planet. 

The reason I bring this up in this conversation is this: Even the disciples didn’t always recognize God’s power and they didn’t always do things just like he asked. 

And so, here’s my point, if you can call it that. It is okay that we do not always see Jesus accurately. It is okay to make mistakes in terms of how we talk about him and how we view him. It is even okay to get a little confused about whether we have God’s biases or if God has ours. 

This is all okay because coming to believe is a process that unfolds over time. As we learn we grow and we adapt and we allow ourselves to change and we allow our views to change. 

That is, so long as we recognize that there is a power greater than ourselves.