Your communication is never as subtle as you think

Before we communicate, we have an internal meaning that may seem clear to us but is unknown to others. I never communicate without first having thoughts and feelings. Connecting with people goes wrong when we do not say what we mean. Or, we say what we mean in a thoughtless manner. This harkens back to that saying that we love to kick around on Facebook about “finding our voice.” I guarantee you. Your voice is not silent. It may be nonverbal. It is possibly unclear. But it is not lost, especially on the people you are communicating with!!

I have this friend on Facebook who is posting, shall we say, a particular theme of meme humor on his page every day. People comment on it AS IF it is actually about the meme. It is not. It is really about his rage and hurt and betrayal over his wife’s affair. At home he is giving her the silent treatment; in the therapist’s office he is speaking of his feelings of victimhood. But on Facebook? Wowser, he is letting his fury fly. He tells me that he has lost his voice in his marriage. I tell him that his shouting on Facebook is communicating way more to his wife then perhaps is wise.

I ask him. “Are you trying to hurt her as much as she hurt you?”


“No! I love my wife! I would NEVER do to her what she has done to me!”


Well, that is sort of true. She had an affair that no one knows about and she is trying to make amends. Since his meme flurry, now everyone is giving her the side eye and wondering, “Is he talking about YOU?”


CHALLENGE: Do loved ones ever seem confused by your meaning? Do you ever feel as if people don’t “get you”? Do your insides and outsides match? Could these miscommunications be related to your confusing messaging?