Authenticity in Action

My middle brother Gary had a rough decade or so suffering with a substance use disorder. One of his poor decisions included breaking into my house. This was not cool but having lived with his issues for a while, I was more mad about the torn screen than I was aware that we were having a moment when authenticity mattered. Not so my husband.

Pete, who can procrastinate about many things, was clear. He sat my brother down and explained to him that our arrangement (we had offered him shelter in the storm of his life) was not going to work. Pete apologized for not recognizing that Gary’s problems were bigger than room and board could cover. He explained to him that we could not live chaotically, it just wasn’t the way we wanted to roll. He bought a bus ticket for Gary to head on to my parent’s home, where Pete hoped the three of them could sort out next right steps. Pete was gentle and kind; Gary was respectful and appreciative of the ticket. A number of years would pass before any sorting out would occur.

While I cowered in the corner terrified of the vulnerability that Pete was showing, Gary would later share with me that it was a moment of clarity for him. He talked about how Pete didn’t judge him. Pete was leading with HIS perspective - as in - Pete did not want to live in chaos and Gary’s comings and goings and breaking and enterings were disruptive. Gary felt he had nothing he could rage over or disagree with in the conversation.

Without the drama, Gary said, he could see clearly that he was in big trouble and it was his mess to deal with. For the record, he didn’t deal with it for a number of years. But this was one of the moments that piled upon many other ones that ultimately led him to ask for treatment.

What’s it like for you and yours? Can you speak authentically about your feelings, needs, wants, preferences? Can you own them? Can you make decisions based on the life you want to create?