Taking Responsibility for Solutions

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

Brene Brown

Yesterday I used an example of a time when my husband had a tough conversation with my brother from a place of vulnerability. I was totally confused by the exchange. I had no clue what vulnerability looked like or how to make a decision as an expression of my preferences or core values. For my part, fussing and yelling and threatening and shaming was the only way to handle conflict. I could have played the injured victim and cast Gary as the inconsiderate lout.

One of my favorite quarantine activities is reading to my grandchildren. I am learning a lot! My friend Julie gave the kids a book about fighting (as in, don’t do it). One of the reasons the author suggests we fight is so that we can avoid taking responsibility to actually solve the problem at hand. Mind you, this is a book for young children. Brilliant! I’m not sure that I realized that until this week.

This was what I was good at: embroiling myself in unproductive conflict without actually defining a problem and then seeking a solution. If I had handled the problem with my brother “my way,” it would have involved yelling and screaming and gnashing of teeth. No path forward would have been offered. No consequences delivered, just empty threats and shame-based manipulation. I do not know how long Gary would have stayed with us, disappearing for days at the time, returning when he needed rest and a meal. But what I do know would have happened is that we would have eventually had a terrible falling out. Pete’s approach - showing up, letting Gary see who Pete was and the kind of life Pete wanted - by-passed the slow but inevitable downhill trajectory of living with a vague hope that things would magically improve.

Is there anything you are avoiding or fighting over in an attempt to NOT solve a problem?