Paying Attention to Yourself

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

Brene Brown

Michelle’s spiritual awakening did not negate her responsibility to live a truthful life - including the messy parts. What in the world was she going to do about this mess with Kevin? Using her mediation skills, Michelle began the arduous work of pausing to prepare.

She began by paying more attention to herself. She learned her patterns and the ways her own ambivalence allowed her to escape responsibility for actually solving many problems in her life, not just this new concern with her husband. She learned that his approach to problems - get big and loud and deny deny deny was ineffective BUT so was hers. She had a tendency to try to sneak up on a problem so as not to make waves. She learned that her passive and indirect approach left people more confused than clear about what she was asking for. Another thing she learned is that when any of us approach a problem that is not easily resolved, we have a couple of big, base-line truths we must respect if we are to make progress.

1. The other person has a different perspective; it does not matter if we think they are right or wrong, they have the right to be misguided. They have the responsibility to either own their perspective or change it but we do not have the right to judge it.

2. Our work is to own our perspective. Describe it clearly. Stan on point. Know what we want to get out of the conflict and the relationship. Also, know what we do not want.

Michelle blew this often and regularly the first month or so of what she began to think of as “the talks”. After the ill-fated and never-to-be-mentioned golf outing, she tried to blame the guys for her concern. “Hey, Marsha said that Jim told her that there was a problem when you guys went to Florida. What happened? Why do they think there is a problem?”

* What would Brene think is wrong with this opener?