Too Many Friends?

The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, but there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

How could too many friends possibly cause us ruin? It's easier than one might think. Here's why. Friendship is hard; if you think you have a ton of friends, you might be misidentifying friendship; it is too hard to be a friend who is reliable and sticks closer than a brother to have but so many friends.

My grandson was telling me last night about his friend at school who he plays with all the time. Yesterday, this friend did not want to play with him. Does that make him an enemy? No! It gave me a chance to teach a toddler about boundaries. Afterwards, I considered how often it seems to me that we adults need to learn this stuff too.

Over the course of our lives we will have many opportunities to explore whether or not a person is a true, loving friend. Their (and our) limitations in the area of friendship is nothing anyone needs to judge. It's not always about whether or not someone is a 'good' or a 'bad' friend. More often, it is a question of discernment - is this person a friend to me? Do they have the capacity to stick closer than a brother? This is a high bar for me because my brother Bobby has set a high bar for my friends. I'm lucky that way.

The trick is to live in reality and not illusion. What does it look like to stick close? Tomorrow we'll explore that topic.

Unconditional Positive Regard

Unconditional positive regard is not the same thing as living life in denial. It is not saying that everything about everyone is peachy. One night my husband and I went to back-to-school night for our kindergarteners. (I’m too old to remember which one).


I do remember that the teacher was warm and kind and peppy and lovely AND all the dads volunteered to be the room mother. This was a first and last experience in the history of back-to-school nights.


She had some advice for us that I have never forgotten. She said, “Your child will come home with many stories and you will be tempted to send me emails, call me, or on occasion call the police. I understand. But in your decision making, please remember that your child also comes to school and tells me lots of stories about home. I try hard to NOT believe everything they tell me about you; I hope you will do the same for me!”


We all chuckled but it was true. We are quick to judge. We are slow to cut others slack. Unconditional positive regard considers the whole person - the good, the bad, the ugly, the best and the potential. It takes into account that most of the time, most of us are doing the best we can. It releases us from the demand for perfection and our tendency to have unrealistic expectations of humanity. It is a very lovely way to live.


CHALLENGE: Think long and hard. Ask yourself: What’s my vibe? Am I suspicious? Respectful? Paranoid? Curious? Pollyanna? Proud? Anxious? Rude? Blunt? Kind? What is my disposition toward others?


It matters.

Creating a change-friendly world

What the heck is unconditional positive regard? Pretty much what we might expect: Unconditional. Positive. Regard. The capacity to treat others with unconditional positive regard matters because it so happens that this kind of foundational starting point for relationships is CRUCIAL to creating an environment that is change-friendly.


Why does this matter? Because if we are to love well, build community and create a network of friendships that can stand the test of time and trauma, the people in this network will need to CHANGE often and regularly. This won’t need to be forced or coerced. In this environment we will all feel safe and secure enough to challenge our own assumptions. We will listen for listening’s sake and learn from one another. We will impact some folks and we will be impacted by people in a way that inspires change.


Recently Scott used a personal example in a weekend message. He said that he was going to practice DOING kindness more often. I was so inspired by that idea. I decided to look intentionally for random ways to do kind things for strangers and friends alike. The neighborhood children will soon get a batch of sugar cookies I made them. I gave a complete stranger a barstool because she needed it and I had bought one more than would fit in my space. I chose NOT to speak harshly to a friend of mine who did a really boneheaded thing that impacted me greatly. This was my Monday and the day was glorious. NONE of this happens unless I am listening, learning, leaning into the possibility that I am often wrong and always in need of change. Without feeling secure? I am too distracted to stop and make cookies; I will not take time to talk to a stranger and hear of her dream to become a hair stylist in need of a swivel barstool. I will not pause to listen carefully and I will fail to recognize that my friend’s mistake is the same kind of mistake I have made countless times before and will no doubt do many times more.

Learning to value others without needing to agree

Listening is more than a skill set. It is also a reflection of our core values. Good listeners teach others that they respect them and want to learn more about the speaker’s thoughts, what they are feeling, their intentions, maybe even their ambivalence about the subject at hand. When we listen from this deep well of conviction, we create an atmosphere of UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD. This is important for many reasons, which we will elaborate on in the future.


My brother and I are politically different but completely aligned on our core values. Although we may not vote for the same candidates, we share so many common values, hopes and dreams that our voting records in no way cause a rift in our connection. We are each other’s biggest fans. I sometimes wonder what our political climate would be like if we could lead with curious listening instead of fearful demands for shared voting records. But I digress. I wish I were as committed to loving like this in all my relationships. My brother is easy for me to love. But what about all those OTHER people, the ones that pluck our last nerve or trigger our defensiveness? When we listen to learn rather than convince, correct or meet our own needs for approval, we teach others that we love and respect them, even when it is uncomfortable. Deep love and mutual respect is founded on a commitment to love people because loving is what we do, not because it is always easy. There are not enough skill sets in the universe to help us develop loving relationships if we are not clear and committed to living out our core values of loving one another.


Challenge: Evaluate several of your relationships by asking yourself the following difficult question: Am I loving this person from a place of unconditional positive regard?

Rating your listening skills

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

~ Steven R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People


When we listen to reply we risk teaching others that we care more about our perspective than theirs. This makes for relationship disconnections.


My husband is a good listener. Over dinner he asks specifically about the outcomes of the various things I experienced that day because he remembered (and cared about) my schedule for the day (which of course I shared in gruesome detail before leaving our home). He is a quiet kind of guy and most would rightly assume he has mad listening skills. But simply being quiet does not mean that he is a guaranteed good listener. There are many components involved in listening, but before we get to tactics, let’s evaluate reality.

Challenge: First, rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 - How good are you at listening?

Next, ask others: “On a scale of 1 (I have cotton stuffed in my ears) to 10 (I am an Olympian listener), how would you rate me as a listener?” Record your scores, and ask as many people as possible without getting locked up for creepy behavior.

How does your score compare with theirs?

Let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance—
~ Proverbs 1:5, NIV