Learning to value others without needing to agree

Listening is more than a skill set. It is also a reflection of our core values. Good listeners teach others that they respect them and want to learn more about the speaker’s thoughts, what they are feeling, their intentions, maybe even their ambivalence about the subject at hand. When we listen from this deep well of conviction, we create an atmosphere of UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD. This is important for many reasons, which we will elaborate on in the future.


My brother and I are politically different but completely aligned on our core values. Although we may not vote for the same candidates, we share so many common values, hopes and dreams that our voting records in no way cause a rift in our connection. We are each other’s biggest fans. I sometimes wonder what our political climate would be like if we could lead with curious listening instead of fearful demands for shared voting records. But I digress. I wish I were as committed to loving like this in all my relationships. My brother is easy for me to love. But what about all those OTHER people, the ones that pluck our last nerve or trigger our defensiveness? When we listen to learn rather than convince, correct or meet our own needs for approval, we teach others that we love and respect them, even when it is uncomfortable. Deep love and mutual respect is founded on a commitment to love people because loving is what we do, not because it is always easy. There are not enough skill sets in the universe to help us develop loving relationships if we are not clear and committed to living out our core values of loving one another.


Challenge: Evaluate several of your relationships by asking yourself the following difficult question: Am I loving this person from a place of unconditional positive regard?